Yesterday, the end of an era - twenty three years in the making and its over in just ten minutes. Amazing, how such a feeling can come about and be such a shock. After all, you know that its gonna happen, in a way you prepare yourself and yet when it happens, when the day arrives, the confirmation is given. It is like a bullet hitting you straight through the head between the eyes. Well, they say that shit hit you threes, well, I have had my three and so can I therefore, have my good three. Two out of three "shits" an be sorted "rectified" you could say, so hurry up and get sorted.



Amazing, how things can feel so strange when your on your own. A hack in the woods with nothing but the sun and a slight breeze and the I pod breaking the silence through the ear plugs that balance precariously in your ears can give you the chance to escape. I'm sure we've all done that haven't we? Daydreamed! Imagined scenarios that we would have like to be reality, or indeed what we would have liked to have seen happen. Or am I just going in to psychosis mode? Second thoughts, answer that only at your own peril. God how I dream, my mind wanders and they seem so real, it would be hard to suggest otherwise. What if we could choose between our own reality and our own dreams. Life would always be good then wouldn't it? or would it? Would we want it to be good. After all, don't they say that we learn about life through the shit that happens in our lives, that we learn about life through these events. Well, my opinion is! That's BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!Complete BULLSHIT.


Ever read something, and wondered what it means. Ever thought that it had a sense of ambiguity and asked yourself about whether it had been constructed that way, or whether you are just reading in that way, asking yourself to analyse what you are reading too much. Ever wanted to respond to what you are reading, because it sums up exactly how you are feeling, but fear to respond for fear of any judgments or repercussions that would damage your self esteem more then what it has been damaged already. Or indeed, damage the situation you find yourself in more then what you want it to.

You could say that, having taken the advise of a new found friend, well, you hope that it what they are, anyway, that it works, if only for a while you forget the shit that surrounds you. You forget everything and for a while you escape the world you live in. That for a few minutes you can forget everything. But, my God, doesn't it make you feel bloody awful when you are forced to return to that world and the rut you find yourself in.

Will the tests be good or will they just procure more shit....

Well, another interesting day! Surprising isn't it? how ones life and everything that they know can be on the edge of a cliff with the edge crumbling away, and yet things just keep turning up in the most of unexpected places.

The heat, it just keeps bringing up more and more freckles out. God I hate them..... even my lily white skin has got a tinge of colour. Not good and yet is too hot for long sleeve garments.

Ever wished that a few words could put everything right and there was no elephant in any room. Its like those bloody sprites that sits on your soldier whispering things in your ears. Its like being on beach and everything and everyone you know and love are in the water, slowly being swept away further and further away from the shore and so from me. No matter how much you try and hold on to them they just can't keep a grip. But, such is life I suppose, the complexity of human emotion is never as simple as those that are inert. No matter how you try things that you believe, just never come across the right way. When a listening ear is all you need and is never on offer. Sometimes all you need to do is off load your problems. Sometimes all you need to do is forget them and have some fun.

At least I have got my books to escape into. Each offering a new world, a different life and a different perspective on life. Its amazing how things can shape the way we think and feel. How a few changes in the way our daily lives go at specific cross roads can alter the way we view things, change the perspective of how we want our lives to plan out. I wonder to the authors of the few words on a page or the few words on a computer screen, even those that put lyrics to a song realise what it is that they do to people. How they effect us.

I think I have a song, a poem, a book to fit every major life changing event. For every one of those the memory associated come flooding back. Never in black and white, but, in full colour. Just as vivid as they were when they were happening and the emotion just as strong, fervent as the most passionate of convictions. I always have been too emotional, affected by things too easily and see profoundness in everything, even when there is none to be had. And, I'm a crier, always have been, can cry over everything, something and nothing.

I'm a dreamer and always have been, nothing wrong with that and yet there are those that think that there is. I've always had a very overactive imagination. My mind travelling at the speed of light and my body slouching along behind like a clapped out mini. Even I know though, dreaming can not take the place of certain things that only life and reality can allow us to experience. and, Oh when we do!

How hard it is to keep things from people, how hard it is to keep the mask intact and no matter how much you try it disintegrates and crumbles. And, the true self peeks out from behind, with the disintegration comes the vulnerability. Where it crumbles the strength that you'd sent years building up, the walls that you had erected taller then those that enclosed Rapunzel start to fall brick by brick and there is no one there it would seem to help you build them back up. So, what is left? I'll tell you, what is left is weakness - a weakness that people can harm you with. A weakness that you let show to someone and then worry with the turn of events whether it was the right thing to do. Was it fair, was it what they wanted and were they even ready. I suppose that is what life is though, isn't it? a bundle of what ifs. A bundle of actions that you question and a lifetime trying to make sure that you salvage something from the wreckage. I really do feel like a deep sea salvage at times. I wonder, is it true that you made someone feel as good as they have made you feel.

"Constant Craving, has always been"

There has always been a constant craving deep within me, something that I have always suppressed. Suppressed and thus protected myself. But, I wonder, did I protect myself or have I, in fact, injured and wounded myself. I am as strong as people see me, and just cannot see it myself. Or, am I really that wounded animal in wood that is trying to hang on to life at every cost as the darkness engulfs me and I am just still very good at hiding. What is it that Billy Joel says ...well I can't paste as it won't let me so see the song on my wall. Its like his song "always a woman" thought myself a bit like that.

Someone asked me once what story inspired me most. What story I would most like to live.... Answer: the phantom of the opera. Love it and everything about it, forget Cinderella and snow white, give me that story any time. The plot, the character, the songs. Just everything!!!!!!!

And finally the last to be posted today. What can be said! I hate making people think that they should have a different, maybe worse opinion of me then they already have. Ever have the feeling that two people have had their wires crossed. Maybe think the same thing and it takes someone impartial to say something to break that chain. For something to be said and for contact to be made. Whatever contact that maybe. Softly Softly that's the way to go and maybe a much better novel will be achieved then if things are rushed. God that sounds cheesy doesn't it?

Have you ever had the feeling that things don't add up and when asking major questions straight out the answers are not forthcoming. Why are they not forthcoming. Is it that things are not as straight forward as people try and make out. That things are hotter on both sides then one party would care to admit. That the feelings are there still and the look that was always shared is still there as are so many things.... why can life never be simple? Why does shit always happen? God I hope things work themselves out, that there is something that can be built on -God I hope that the foundation of something is still there even if it means a slow approach. Why can I never get what I want to get across in the way I need it to get it across? Things would be so much more simple if it was easier on my behalf. See through the facade, see through the fear, see the truth behind what I say to how I feel and what I want. If the truth is contrary to this then even if it is brutally honest, it needs to be told to me. But, something, something just tells me deep down inside that its not all as it seems, that there is something unsaid. Some kind of feeling that is shared that one party is holding back on. After all, what is meant when someone suggests they feel the same still, that they enjoyed the time we spent together and still want to see my in some capacity, worry that I cannot or do not want to look at them and yet say that the situation just didn't sit right with them..... God I miss them, miss them so very much, uncontrollably so, their touch, kiss, voice, smell, breath, laugh, presence. Lets just cut it short and say everything. Maybe, it will be like a rose, one that blooms late in summer and surpasses all other flowers on the vine.

Its not just that though. Everything seems to be going to the dogs in my life. Everything and I don't have the strength to fight it. Bear my soul to the extent that I can and be laughed at and ridiculed, why should I bother, fight what would seem to be the inevitable. I have always felt unwanted and so kept the truth of who I am to myself, like a secret that needs to be jealously guarded for fear that it would face destruction if ever found out. Yet, I try on request to bring a person supposedly thought to be close to me deeper into my world and what is it for, to be assumed to be pathetic. I thus decide that whatever happens to me as a consequence those that seem to do this will be kept at arms length, as this is better. Then the ammunition that they have against you is limited. I can no longer forget the things that have been said and done over the years, apologise and go back into that prepared state of suspended animation. I have seen what it is like to feel, and I need to feel that again. However, people feel that this decision is wrong for me it is my choice and I need to make decisions in my life. I can't bear to not feel this again. I don't want to feel alive with anyone else. My life was sorted and I am gonna fight for that life to continue. But, never will the door to my soul be laid open without prove that I am not gonna be ridiculed by anyone. Cause I don't have the strength anymore. Don't think that I ever did. I think I just wore the mask well. But now the mask has worn out and I need someone to see that and respect that I am vulnerable. I need the love of two people in my life just as important as each other. The other I care for so very much and am unable to ascertain the feeling he has for me. The other, well I hate to say it, but I should care for them, far more then anyone else and yet I fear that my body is being eaten up with, consumed with hate for them for which there is no recovery, or indeed going back. The stem -ridicule and misunderstanding and refusal to listen.

I sat on my bed today and though of the lyrics

"I'm 18 with a bullet,

Got my finger on the trigger, gonna bullet"

God, I wish I had the courage, but I always have been a coward. And, if for no other reason, no one else would care for G quite like me.

God - how weak I feel today. Was going to stay in bed all day but that was never gonna happen was it, always just something that I think of as maybe being nice to do. A comment that I read made me think about things from the past and what I dream of for the future. A delicious thought, but not one that could be explicable shared in public domains. It was a bittersweet thought of hope and happiness, sadness and regret.

How I feel so weak. Unbelievable weak. Like there is nothing left inside of me. drained of all strength physically and emotionally. Pulled in all directions by the rack of life. Wishing that things could be different and that others wanted the same as me, maybe they don't but then I have never been good at reading people and what may be being said without being said.

How many of us have tried to clear our mind of things but just can't clear it? the harder you try to keep you mind clear of things the more the mind is filled with things that you don't want to think of . Hiding inside the prison of my mind and inside the walls of the house that feels like a prison trying to escape everything that I feel, feeling things that frankly scare me and not knowing in what direction my life will take from now on. Will I like the way it is going? or am I at the cross roads that I have been at before and yet again not be able to make the decision that needs to be made. Never have been able to make decisions and when I have they always seem to have alienated me from others. I wonder will I ever feel as though I belong or will I always be alone. People come and go, but never getting close. Do I imagine something that wasn't there or is it still there and just hidden from view buried amongst the shit that is life.Was this what was predestined for me. Well, if that was the case, then what the bloody hell did I do in a past life to suffer this. I think far too much, I know that....but there are words that keep meandering through my mind like a memory that is trying to tell me something. They are words that frighten me, really frighten me.....

"And here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I've ever known

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time "

If that makes me look like an idiot then so be it, there has too many years that have gone by in my life when I have felt so old and before my time. Too many years that I have been doing as others see fit. And, I don't see why that should go on. It is time to make sure that the parts of my life I can gain control of I do. Live for myself. The only problem with this is! I don't know how to go about putting this into action.

Checked someones horses today when went to see G. On my own I went to the furthest part of the field away from everyone and sang (if that's what you call it!!!) I have an awful voice and sand so hard and loud it brought tears to my eyes and my throat was so dry that I could have drunk the Nile dry....well I never done that before and well I have vowed to try new things....just wish I could also try new things, or should I say continue to try new things with another being. As much as I like G there is a limit to what she can do. Despite public opinion I'm not deluded.....

Didn't realise how far behind I was in posting these....its amazing how a pinprick of light can make the spark of hope rekindle itself but how with it the fears of confusion arise also. That's life I suppose.

Someone asked me the other day if I was pregnant. "God, No" I replied, where do these people get these ideas from. Do they think that I need that added complication. For some reason they thought that this would be easier....warped is the only word I think that I can use to describe this method of thought.....

I went off today and let the very warm breeze rush through my hair, both the cobwebs that cluttered G and my brain were swept away with the solitary joy that comes with seeing nobody while you go for a good amble across stream and field up hill and down dale. Over sixty jumps and loving every minute. Now I'm absolutely knackered - my arms feel like they've been pulled and then pushed back into their sockets and yet the muddle of cobwebs return. What a shame there is no window in our head that we can open any time that we want. Wouldn't that be great? I think that mine might be open all the time though....

Its so amazing how much difference a year can make. Its just a thrill to see how much work - the blood sweat and tears can come into fruition and be seen in work in something that really goes to plan. Makes a change!! Ever thought that you could set of and just keep going, on and on and on. Keep going until there is nowhere left to go. Is it a form of escapism? that like all escapism can only be felt and thus experienced for a moment, a fleeting moment at that. Or is it possible ? I am not sure! I love to feel the wind in my hair, the feel of freedom, whether with G or in another vehicle where the wind blows through your hair and stings your eyes. When you feel as if there is nobody else in the world and that there is no other form of life, visible to the eye; except perhaps that fond in the most barren of places where there is no way you would think that life could exist. Being to profound again.

Above and beyond anything there were a few hours today when I felt like me again. Free, without judgment and expectation. That maybe at least in one thing it is possible, even for me to say that I may not be such a failure in life as I thought. That despite all the heartache an the failure and the shit that seems to either found me or I have found there is one thing that remains true to form and that is G. Knowing that despite the criticisms and contentious talk all the decisions that I have made about her have been the right decisions.

Regret for this year - no photos......

I'm so bloody forgetful, I forgot to post this up for Friday, and Thursday well, I wasn't in the right head space to even turn the bloody computer on.

All I know, is if I keep going the way I am I am really gonna need a lobotomy. Even better take my whole brain to a pawn shop and replace it with another. Maybe, then I'd be less shocking, less of an embarrassment....

Sorry, Sorry, as you can see I'm still seething and had I logged this yesterday, instead of the blog being written, the computer would now be doing a very good impression of a modern day champagne bottle framed in situ, embedded in the wall.

I worried myself yesterday, I've always been really dark, obsessed with death, disease and dying - can't help it, know there are many out there dying and do not wish to, just the way I was made, I suppose. But, today I actually could have killed someone, had they stepped a few steps closer to me I would have smothered them, strangled them, I don't know what, but I'm at my wits end of being told what to do and say, and think and breathe and everything in between. Advice, without an order does not exist in my family. Do as I say or else. My response....well I think you can guess!

Then there is the others, - God this is turning into a bitching/moaning session rather then a blog. Well I did say that I liked to moan and procrastinate, well this is the moan part. Saying that, maybe that's what I have been doing all the way along the line. I don't care! you don't have to read it, its your choice, so switch off now if you like. What is it with people? Under the guise of "friendship" they suck like leaches off your pain and hope. Making their judgments without knowing all the details, "helping" but in fact sticking their noses in. In a month I have gone from a sullen ugly duckling, to a happy and "different" swan. Now, current status, yes! current status, let me get this right.

1. A potential embarrassment to myself and others
2. A show of lack of dignity and self respect
3. A needy desperate bunny boiler
4. A complete shock - and get this, the reason: We all forget that NATASHA is a WOMAN and not a CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoopee! they get it - in future please remember, I was born in 1984 not 1994....

And if someone says that Scarcasm id the lowest form of wit I will be coming after them with a mallet, nice and blunt you see...

My answer, well yes I am a woman and I have more then one interest then G. I have a sense of humour, orientated more toward what men may find funny, and there are many other things about me that I am sure will shock....but their private....Maybe, people should find things out about me rather then just make the comments.

Pity, such a patronising emotion, as are people that pretend just to find things out and then try and tell you what to do, and don't respect when you only take parts of their advise and want to follow your own head and heart in all things. To do what you think is right and not what others think. I've had enough of not being allowed to think for myself. My life to some degree controlled by certain elements, drugs, hospitals, doctors, conditions, over protective parents etc. My brain and heart are my own, or at least I thought they were, now I'm not that sure. The upshot is, I have that at home and I don't need it from anyone else.

That's one of the problems with this world - people making too many judgments, walking away, instead of working through something and coming out the other end having something to hold on to however, different that might be from what you had anticipated. If it works for you and any other persons involved then what is the harm - even if the rest of the people that surround you think your mad. We all have to make our own decisions and God knows, we get hurt and if we get hurt again within the same situation then walk away, but everything deserves a second chance. Not everything is that simple as we may have at first thought. Maybe time and understanding is needed. Maybe at the end of that process the situation is better and works better and then you can say... because if you had walked away then you would never have got there. Would you?

And, when does constructive criticism, just turn into someone nagging?Oh God, Why? when everything falls into place, why is something always put into spoil the mixture, is it that something or someone thinks that a scenario can be better, or is it that some of us are just predestined to be negative, depressive, maudlin, suicidal, lonely, billy no mates all our lives. You decide, but the way things are going I think I have already decided. Someone needs to change my mind and fast. Everyone seems to be leaving, I man Ive been seeing for 23 years- don't panic its my no.1 doctor is retiring and whilst I knew it would be hard when the time came, somehow it seems harder then I ever thought it would be, I'm a control freak, not just a freak!!!! there you go youve heard it straight from the horses mouth. Everything seems harder at the moment and whilst there are those that think that I have never been of sound mind, for the first time in my life I think that I actually feel that way! That they may be right, but on the other hand who really is.

Smiling when you don't really want to can really make your face ache. Watched Labyrinth the other day and watching that usually makes me smile, whatever my mood, just couldn't- all I could do was cry and cry and cry. Those silent ones, the ones that well up in your eyes and blind you. Bowie has never done that to me before, so things must be bad. Made worse by that stupid saying, "things will get back to normal" do people really weigh that comment up, know what they are saying when they apply that sentence. Its a bit like taking someone from death row out for a day trip and seeing them overwhelmed or upset, saying to them "don't worry life will get back to normal soon"....

There's only one that can really help! so note to you, even though you don't bloody read this I'm sure! Hurry up about it will you?

As Promised...

A Gypsy came to the castle gate, he sang so sweet and wild,

And with his song he stole away the masters only child.

Oh she cast away her silken gown, she cast away her pride.

And ran with away with him one night, down to the sea so wild.

Come home, Come home, my bonny little child, come home again to me.

Sit once more by our own fireside with head upon my knee.

Oh I'd rather live an hour here, then seven long years with thee.

And feel the salt spray on my cheek and know that I am free.

She danced in the wind and danced in the rain on edge of the cliffs and the shore.

And tasted the salt upon her cheek and never came home no more....

The lyrics to this folk song hit a chord with me, hearing it even before recent events I was moved and maybe because of the way that I had always dreamed as a child, but now the meaning, the words they are poignant. And yet, there is always the bitter regret and everlasting presence of hope, and wish, that it lasted longer or that it can be rekindled.

Dreams, we all have them, don't we? childhood dreams, dreams when we're adults, do we ever get rid of that sense of dreaming? Is there ever a time in our lives that we don't take out that small golden key and unlock the padlock of the chest that holds our dreams. What did we dream about when we were children. Do throw those dreams away when we are older? Replace them for new dreams, or do we just allow them to mutate, become more complex. In our dreams, both of the imagination and the midnight hours do we remain the child? Surely, life is nothing without our dreams. Can our dreams hurt us though? Is it possible to invest too much in our dreams, allow them to give us the wrong ideas about life and way the world is. Are dreams nothing more then ideals that we have, ideals that there is no way could possibly be reality. In a way, you could say that we are all politicians in a way. Yes, I have been watching the run up to the general elections. Well, don't they. I mean have ideals and dreams that they sell to us, with the knowledge that they as people, or the dreams themselves can never be fulfilled. I know, a very simplistic and romantic idea and not the complexity of where I stand on politics, but, why not use some artistic licence to manipulate. After all, that bunch are very good at it. Aren't they?

Please, comment if you think I am wrong? But do you think only children dream more then those with siblings, or is it the other way around? Answers on a post card please! Do you think that all girls dream of castles, princes, white horses and evil witches. Well I didn't. I think I was the proverbial fucked up bitch at birth. My moods were black, as black as a child as they are now and I used to dream that I would find the love of my life as I was dying. No princes, no towers and no witches. Horses, OK I'll admit it they were in there but my childhood love fantasy - the one that I would dream of having in reality was that my lover saved me from death but was disapproved of, so away we run and live together, proving everyone wrong freeing ourselves from a life of masks and incognito and servitude to become ourselves, find ourselves. I think maybe he didn't save me from death, instead it was a life after death. Happy stuff - yes! It soon disappeared, I convinced myself that I would live and die at 21 a virgin and nearly did. Then as a nun, untouched pure and without formal religion and I thought I was and seem to be headed that way again. But, deep down inside of me on a daily basis, an all consuming dream always reawakens and bubbles to the surface. My original dream, my idealistic dream, that no matter how I try and get to grips with the fact that somethings in life are not and never will be like our dreams. Love can strike once and once only, and that love can be the most powerful thing you can imagine, it happens and there is no need for anything or anyone else as it is strong enough to withstand judgment and adversity. I believe in love, one love and nobody will shake me of that. But tell me what do you lot think? think I'm a fool, childlike and too idealistic. Or am I the one that is just voicing what most of us want or think.

Really don't know what to do any more, like is darker and more desperate everyday. I am loosing everything and everyone around me and seem to have no control or way to stop it from happening. I wonder the what the point is.... I alienate everyone and everyone tires of me sooner or later. I never go about things in the way that I need to, and I always try and hide the real me for fear that, that person will be even more unacceptable then the facade that I am used to wearing. I no longer know who I am... somehow she was lost along the way and there seems little to do to find her again. I think she was lost a long time ago, if she was ever there to start with. I don't even know what to believe any more, and everything I say comes out wrong. What can I do? I am a B.I.T.C.H.and the is no getting away from it. Thing I have done, with no consideration of the consequences, are the same as the things that others have done to me and to which I have retaliated too. I can feel the very life blood ebbing way from me. I feel my very organs drying up and shrivelling those last few bits more then what they have done already leaving me in a state of living decay. My body and mind consumed like a body consumed with a disease that eats it away from the inside out with a deadly mixture of the most intense and pure untarnished love and bitter hatred, wrongfulness and bitterness. Washed down with a regret that I always unable to get across in the sincerity that it is meant in.

Why am I unable to stop making the same mistakes? For so many reasons I wish I was another person, different, better, NORMAL. The pain that my family have been through, the agony that I watched them bear and yet they have me bare the same. However, they are able to put things to bed and yet I am unable. Now, though there is no putting to bed. Now I want to some to see that I am who I am. That I will never change and yet there is nothing wrong with being me. So why do I feel so ashamed of who I am? Why do I find the need to reaffirm my insecurities and the why do those closet to me do they very things that they advise others not to do. Three people are leaving me, it would seem, and to great hurt to me that one already has, and I wish they hadn't. Wish they would return to me.

The other two are in that process, both hurt, one for their familiarity and the second because of what it means, the hurt that is being caused on both sides and the consequences and ramifications it has on both of us and the rest of the family and our lives as we know it. The worst thing about this scenario is as much as I care I also don't care and that makes me a terrible person. Despicable. When things need saying and doing and yet I never seem to be able to carry the action or the words out in the way that they should be, when everything that I know and believe is falling about my ears like the walls of Jericho, I only wait now to disintegrate like a pillar of salt.

The last person, a staple in my life, I fear I cannot stop, as events always occur and decisions are made, you know that they will happen, you expect them, but its never easy. When everything you say just comes out wrong, however you desperately have the right intentions. Trying to enlighten someone to the way you feel and the way they make you feel, the consequences of their actions. Whether they realise and whether they are seeing it as it should be seen, as two in something together, trying in their own way to hang on and hot loose grip on that crumbling rock face. Nothing ever seems to work though. Nothing ever seems to go the way its supposed to, and nothing ever goes right.Nothing will ever be the same again. Who would want it to? When ones life is changed so dramatically, by event and person why would one want to go back. But, on the other hand, why would another try to and seemingly destroy that for someone, all with the painted on smile and suggestion that it was just an action based on a request. There there is the possibility that I have pushed another to hard, hurt them as they hurt me and ruined any chance of the making amends with another, in this I do hope that the retractions and explanations, will help. That for once the decisions and the actions of another are not negatively strong enough to hold fast . That they will once again be drawn to me and that things can be mended and made better. In a state of limbo at the moment, unsure whether I have lost a good thing in my life as a temporary measure or for good is K.I.L.L.I.N.G. me and the problem is there are too many opinions involved. Will they know the sincerity and truthfulness of what I say, can the hear the meaning behind what I say, or will they just desert.

Have I again lost something so very dear to me, or will it be restored to me. That their own situation will resolve itself and that the problems can be worked through as a team instead of apart. That unlike the situation I find myself in those closest will talk and they will listen and take on board. Act!!!!! At the moment everything is bleak. I have always raged but cannot face the rage any more, do not have the strength to rage, it has ebbed away and no one seems to want to stop the bleeding. No one seems to want to, to be close enough to me, for long enough to see the bleeding stop, the colour return and ensure that bleeding does not start again. No one seems to want to be there to make sure there is no cause for that bleeding to have cause to begin again in the first place, and if it does be there to put another plaster on. I adore the following words, courage in the face of adversity and be able to give strength to anyone, when they needed it the most. So why is it not working for me anymore.

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Thought I'd found someone that the following words were applicable to. The Soul mate, the one that would understand me better then anyone. That seemed to understand me, knew what I was thinking and why before I even said it. Wanted to spend the time with me. Craved the time of just being as well as the intimacy when together. Hope I've still found that and not pushed it away. That this will be returned to me, bigger and better, then before. I don't wan to die having never seen my life represented by these words. Never having been able to love someone for so long and for such a reason as "it was just right". Never having shared my life with someone that felt the same about me. That we breathed each others air and were as one. Never know that I have spoken and they have appreciated that when death takes you you love them so much that you can ensure you tell them to forget. My darling G, already knows that, but it is different, it is the love of a mother, I crave this as a lover, and yet fear that the convent is the only place I am headed. That I've always been headed there and a blip was put in my way, that I would have forsaken the convent for and still would, but they wish me not too. I hope things can be rectified in all these things, life can come good in all three scenarios, two specifically. If not, then the consequences of both don't even bare being thought about for me or for them and their own happiness.

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,Gone far away into the silent land;When you can no more hold me by the hand,Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.Remember me when no more day by day. You tell me of our future that you plann'd:Only remember me; you understand. It will be late to counsel then or pray.Yet if you should forget me for a while. And afterwards remember, do not grieve:For if the darkness and corruption leave. A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,Better by far you should forget and smile. Than that you should remember and be sad

Always did dream, not of castles or princesses but of gypsies and the freedom of the open world and the love that was forbidden to you and the love that you found and never lost. I love these words and the song posted on my wall.

Although I fear itmay have to be tomorrow. The bloody internet has gone down.........