All I know, is if I keep going the way I am I am really gonna need a lobotomy. Even better take my whole brain to a pawn shop and replace it with another. Maybe, then I'd be less shocking, less of an embarrassment....
Sorry, Sorry, as you can see I'm still seething and had I logged this yesterday, instead of the blog being written, the computer would now be doing a very good impression of a modern day champagne bottle framed in situ, embedded in the wall.
I worried myself yesterday, I've always been really dark, obsessed with death, disease and dying - can't help it, know there are many out there dying and do not wish to, just the way I was made, I suppose. But, today I actually could have killed someone, had they stepped a few steps closer to me I would have smothered them, strangled them, I don't know what, but I'm at my wits end of being told what to do and say, and think and breathe and everything in between. Advice, without an order does not exist in my family. Do as I say or else. My response....well I think you can guess!
Then there is the others, - God this is turning into a bitching/moaning session rather then a blog. Well I did say that I liked to moan and procrastinate, well this is the moan part. Saying that, maybe that's what I have been doing all the way along the line. I don't care! you don't have to read it, its your choice, so switch off now if you like. What is it with people? Under the guise of "friendship" they suck like leaches off your pain and hope. Making their judgments without knowing all the details, "helping" but in fact sticking their noses in. In a month I have gone from a sullen ugly duckling, to a happy and "different" swan. Now, current status, yes! current status, let me get this right.
- A potential embarrassment to myself and others
- A show of lack of dignity and self respect
- A needy desperate bunny boiler
- A complete shock - and get this, the reason: We all forget that NATASHA is a WOMAN and not a CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoopee! they get it - in future please remember, I was born in 1984 not 1994....
And if someone says that Scarcasm id the lowest form of wit I will be coming after them with a mallet, nice and blunt you see...
My answer, well yes I am a woman and I have more then one interest then G. I have a sense of humour, orientated more toward what men may find funny, and there are many other things about me that I am sure will shock....but their private....Maybe, people should find things out about me rather then just make the comments.
Pity, such a patronising emotion, as are people that pretend just to find things out and then try and tell you what to do, and don't respect when you only take parts of their advise and want to follow your own head and heart in all things. To do what you think is right and not what others think. I've had enough of not being allowed to think for myself. My life to some degree controlled by certain elements, drugs, hospitals, doctors, conditions, over protective parents etc. My brain and heart are my own, or at least I thought they were, now I'm not that sure. The upshot is, I have that at home and I don't need it from anyone else.
That's one of the problems with this world - people making too many judgments, walking away, instead of working through something and coming out the other end having something to hold on to however, different that might be from what you had anticipated. If it works for you and any other persons involved then what is the harm - even if the rest of the people that surround you think your mad. We all have to make our own decisions and God knows, we get hurt and if we get hurt again within the same situation then walk away, but everything deserves a second chance. Not everything is that simple as we may have at first thought. Maybe time and understanding is needed. Maybe at the end of that process the situation is better and works better and then you can say... because if you had walked away then you would never have got there. Would you?
And, when does constructive criticism, just turn into someone nagging?Oh God, Why? when everything falls into place, why is something always put into spoil the mixture, is it that something or someone thinks that a scenario can be better, or is it that some of us are just predestined to be negative, depressive, maudlin, suicidal, lonely, billy no mates all our lives. You decide, but the way things are going I think I have already decided. Someone needs to change my mind and fast. Everyone seems to be leaving, I man Ive been seeing for 23 years- don't panic its my no.1 doctor is retiring and whilst I knew it would be hard when the time came, somehow it seems harder then I ever thought it would be, I'm a control freak, not just a freak!!!! there you go youve heard it straight from the horses mouth. Everything seems harder at the moment and whilst there are those that think that I have never been of sound mind, for the first time in my life I think that I actually feel that way! That they may be right, but on the other hand who really is.
Smiling when you don't really want to can really make your face ache. Watched Labyrinth the other day and watching that usually makes me smile, whatever my mood, just couldn't- all I could do was cry and cry and cry. Those silent ones, the ones that well up in your eyes and blind you. Bowie has never done that to me before, so things must be bad. Made worse by that stupid saying, "things will get back to normal" do people really weigh that comment up, know what they are saying when they apply that sentence. Its a bit like taking someone from death row out for a day trip and seeing them overwhelmed or upset, saying to them "don't worry life will get back to normal soon"....
There's only one that can really help! so note to you, even though you don't bloody read this I'm sure! Hurry up about it will you?
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