Well, another interesting day! Surprising isn't it? how ones life and everything that they know can be on the edge of a cliff with the edge crumbling away, and yet things just keep turning up in the most of unexpected places.

The heat, it just keeps bringing up more and more freckles out. God I hate them..... even my lily white skin has got a tinge of colour. Not good and yet is too hot for long sleeve garments.

Ever wished that a few words could put everything right and there was no elephant in any room. Its like those bloody sprites that sits on your soldier whispering things in your ears. Its like being on beach and everything and everyone you know and love are in the water, slowly being swept away further and further away from the shore and so from me. No matter how much you try and hold on to them they just can't keep a grip. But, such is life I suppose, the complexity of human emotion is never as simple as those that are inert. No matter how you try things that you believe, just never come across the right way. When a listening ear is all you need and is never on offer. Sometimes all you need to do is off load your problems. Sometimes all you need to do is forget them and have some fun.

At least I have got my books to escape into. Each offering a new world, a different life and a different perspective on life. Its amazing how things can shape the way we think and feel. How a few changes in the way our daily lives go at specific cross roads can alter the way we view things, change the perspective of how we want our lives to plan out. I wonder to the authors of the few words on a page or the few words on a computer screen, even those that put lyrics to a song realise what it is that they do to people. How they effect us.

I think I have a song, a poem, a book to fit every major life changing event. For every one of those the memory associated come flooding back. Never in black and white, but, in full colour. Just as vivid as they were when they were happening and the emotion just as strong, fervent as the most passionate of convictions. I always have been too emotional, affected by things too easily and see profoundness in everything, even when there is none to be had. And, I'm a crier, always have been, can cry over everything, something and nothing.

I'm a dreamer and always have been, nothing wrong with that and yet there are those that think that there is. I've always had a very overactive imagination. My mind travelling at the speed of light and my body slouching along behind like a clapped out mini. Even I know though, dreaming can not take the place of certain things that only life and reality can allow us to experience. and, Oh when we do!

How hard it is to keep things from people, how hard it is to keep the mask intact and no matter how much you try it disintegrates and crumbles. And, the true self peeks out from behind, with the disintegration comes the vulnerability. Where it crumbles the strength that you'd sent years building up, the walls that you had erected taller then those that enclosed Rapunzel start to fall brick by brick and there is no one there it would seem to help you build them back up. So, what is left? I'll tell you, what is left is weakness - a weakness that people can harm you with. A weakness that you let show to someone and then worry with the turn of events whether it was the right thing to do. Was it fair, was it what they wanted and were they even ready. I suppose that is what life is though, isn't it? a bundle of what ifs. A bundle of actions that you question and a lifetime trying to make sure that you salvage something from the wreckage. I really do feel like a deep sea salvage at times. I wonder, is it true that you made someone feel as good as they have made you feel.

"Constant Craving, has always been"

There has always been a constant craving deep within me, something that I have always suppressed. Suppressed and thus protected myself. But, I wonder, did I protect myself or have I, in fact, injured and wounded myself. I am as strong as people see me, and just cannot see it myself. Or, am I really that wounded animal in wood that is trying to hang on to life at every cost as the darkness engulfs me and I am just still very good at hiding. What is it that Billy Joel says ...well I can't paste as it won't let me so see the song on my wall. Its like his song "always a woman" thought myself a bit like that.

Someone asked me once what story inspired me most. What story I would most like to live.... Answer: the phantom of the opera. Love it and everything about it, forget Cinderella and snow white, give me that story any time. The plot, the character, the songs. Just everything!!!!!!!