Why am I unable to stop making the same mistakes? For so many reasons I wish I was another person, different, better, NORMAL. The pain that my family have been through, the agony that I watched them bear and yet they have me bare the same. However, they are able to put things to bed and yet I am unable. Now, though there is no putting to bed. Now I want to some to see that I am who I am. That I will never change and yet there is nothing wrong with being me. So why do I feel so ashamed of who I am? Why do I find the need to reaffirm my insecurities and the why do those closet to me do they very things that they advise others not to do. Three people are leaving me, it would seem, and to great hurt to me that one already has, and I wish they hadn't. Wish they would return to me.
The other two are in that process, both hurt, one for their familiarity and the second because of what it means, the hurt that is being caused on both sides and the consequences and ramifications it has on both of us and the rest of the family and our lives as we know it. The worst thing about this scenario is as much as I care I also don't care and that makes me a terrible person. Despicable. When things need saying and doing and yet I never seem to be able to carry the action or the words out in the way that they should be, when everything that I know and believe is falling about my ears like the walls of Jericho, I only wait now to disintegrate like a pillar of salt.
The last person, a staple in my life, I fear I cannot stop, as events always occur and decisions are made, you know that they will happen, you expect them, but its never easy. When everything you say just comes out wrong, however you desperately have the right intentions. Trying to enlighten someone to the way you feel and the way they make you feel, the consequences of their actions. Whether they realise and whether they are seeing it as it should be seen, as two in something together, trying in their own way to hang on and hot loose grip on that crumbling rock face. Nothing ever seems to work though. Nothing ever seems to go the way its supposed to, and nothing ever goes right.Nothing will ever be the same again. Who would want it to? When ones life is changed so dramatically, by event and person why would one want to go back. But, on the other hand, why would another try to and seemingly destroy that for someone, all with the painted on smile and suggestion that it was just an action based on a request. There there is the possibility that I have pushed another to hard, hurt them as they hurt me and ruined any chance of the making amends with another, in this I do hope that the retractions and explanations, will help. That for once the decisions and the actions of another are not negatively strong enough to hold fast . That they will once again be drawn to me and that things can be mended and made better. In a state of limbo at the moment, unsure whether I have lost a good thing in my life as a temporary measure or for good is K.I.L.L.I.N.G. me and the problem is there are too many opinions involved. Will they know the sincerity and truthfulness of what I say, can the hear the meaning behind what I say, or will they just desert.
Have I again lost something so very dear to me, or will it be restored to me. That their own situation will resolve itself and that the problems can be worked through as a team instead of apart. That unlike the situation I find myself in those closest will talk and they will listen and take on board. Act!!!!! At the moment everything is bleak. I have always raged but cannot face the rage any more, do not have the strength to rage, it has ebbed away and no one seems to want to stop the bleeding. No one seems to want to, to be close enough to me, for long enough to see the bleeding stop, the colour return and ensure that bleeding does not start again. No one seems to want to be there to make sure there is no cause for that bleeding to have cause to begin again in the first place, and if it does be there to put another plaster on. I adore the following words, courage in the face of adversity and be able to give strength to anyone, when they needed it the most. So why is it not working for me anymore.
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Thought I'd found someone that the following words were applicable to. The Soul mate, the one that would understand me better then anyone. That seemed to understand me, knew what I was thinking and why before I even said it. Wanted to spend the time with me. Craved the time of just being as well as the intimacy when together. Hope I've still found that and not pushed it away. That this will be returned to me, bigger and better, then before. I don't wan to die having never seen my life represented by these words. Never having been able to love someone for so long and for such a reason as "it was just right". Never having shared my life with someone that felt the same about me. That we breathed each others air and were as one. Never know that I have spoken and they have appreciated that when death takes you you love them so much that you can ensure you tell them to forget. My darling G, already knows that, but it is different, it is the love of a mother, I crave this as a lover, and yet fear that the convent is the only place I am headed. That I've always been headed there and a blip was put in my way, that I would have forsaken the convent for and still would, but they wish me not too. I hope things can be rectified in all these things, life can come good in all three scenarios, two specifically. If not, then the consequences of both don't even bare being thought about for me or for them and their own happiness.
REMEMBER me when I am gone away,Gone far away into the silent land;When you can no more hold me by the hand,Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.Remember me when no more day by day. You tell me of our future that you plann'd:Only remember me; you understand. It will be late to counsel then or pray.Yet if you should forget me for a while. And afterwards remember, do not grieve:For if the darkness and corruption leave. A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,Better by far you should forget and smile. Than that you should remember and be sad
Always did dream, not of castles or princesses but of gypsies and the freedom of the open world and the love that was forbidden to you and the love that you found and never lost. I love these words and the song posted on my wall.
Although I fear itmay have to be tomorrow. The bloody internet has gone down.........
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