God - how weak I feel today. Was going to stay in bed all day but that was never gonna happen was it, always just something that I think of as maybe being nice to do. A comment that I read made me think about things from the past and what I dream of for the future. A delicious thought, but not one that could be explicable shared in public domains. It was a bittersweet thought of hope and happiness, sadness and regret.

How I feel so weak. Unbelievable weak. Like there is nothing left inside of me. drained of all strength physically and emotionally. Pulled in all directions by the rack of life. Wishing that things could be different and that others wanted the same as me, maybe they don't but then I have never been good at reading people and what may be being said without being said.

How many of us have tried to clear our mind of things but just can't clear it? the harder you try to keep you mind clear of things the more the mind is filled with things that you don't want to think of . Hiding inside the prison of my mind and inside the walls of the house that feels like a prison trying to escape everything that I feel, feeling things that frankly scare me and not knowing in what direction my life will take from now on. Will I like the way it is going? or am I at the cross roads that I have been at before and yet again not be able to make the decision that needs to be made. Never have been able to make decisions and when I have they always seem to have alienated me from others. I wonder will I ever feel as though I belong or will I always be alone. People come and go, but never getting close. Do I imagine something that wasn't there or is it still there and just hidden from view buried amongst the shit that is life.Was this what was predestined for me. Well, if that was the case, then what the bloody hell did I do in a past life to suffer this. I think far too much, I know that....but there are words that keep meandering through my mind like a memory that is trying to tell me something. They are words that frighten me, really frighten me.....

"And here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I've ever known

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time "

If that makes me look like an idiot then so be it, there has too many years that have gone by in my life when I have felt so old and before my time. Too many years that I have been doing as others see fit. And, I don't see why that should go on. It is time to make sure that the parts of my life I can gain control of I do. Live for myself. The only problem with this is! I don't know how to go about putting this into action.

Checked someones horses today when went to see G. On my own I went to the furthest part of the field away from everyone and sang (if that's what you call it!!!) I have an awful voice and sand so hard and loud it brought tears to my eyes and my throat was so dry that I could have drunk the Nile dry....well I never done that before and well I have vowed to try new things....just wish I could also try new things, or should I say continue to try new things with another being. As much as I like G there is a limit to what she can do. Despite public opinion I'm not deluded.....