Yesterday, the end of an era - twenty three years in the making and its over in just ten minutes. Amazing, how such a feeling can come about and be such a shock. After all, you know that its gonna happen, in a way you prepare yourself and yet when it happens, when the day arrives, the confirmation is given. It is like a bullet hitting you straight through the head between the eyes. Well, they say that shit hit you threes, well, I have had my three and so can I therefore, have my good three. Two out of three "shits" an be sorted "rectified" you could say, so hurry up and get sorted.



Amazing, how things can feel so strange when your on your own. A hack in the woods with nothing but the sun and a slight breeze and the I pod breaking the silence through the ear plugs that balance precariously in your ears can give you the chance to escape. I'm sure we've all done that haven't we? Daydreamed! Imagined scenarios that we would have like to be reality, or indeed what we would have liked to have seen happen. Or am I just going in to psychosis mode? Second thoughts, answer that only at your own peril. God how I dream, my mind wanders and they seem so real, it would be hard to suggest otherwise. What if we could choose between our own reality and our own dreams. Life would always be good then wouldn't it? or would it? Would we want it to be good. After all, don't they say that we learn about life through the shit that happens in our lives, that we learn about life through these events. Well, my opinion is! That's BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!Complete BULLSHIT.


Ever read something, and wondered what it means. Ever thought that it had a sense of ambiguity and asked yourself about whether it had been constructed that way, or whether you are just reading in that way, asking yourself to analyse what you are reading too much. Ever wanted to respond to what you are reading, because it sums up exactly how you are feeling, but fear to respond for fear of any judgments or repercussions that would damage your self esteem more then what it has been damaged already. Or indeed, damage the situation you find yourself in more then what you want it to.

You could say that, having taken the advise of a new found friend, well, you hope that it what they are, anyway, that it works, if only for a while you forget the shit that surrounds you. You forget everything and for a while you escape the world you live in. That for a few minutes you can forget everything. But, my God, doesn't it make you feel bloody awful when you are forced to return to that world and the rut you find yourself in.

Will the tests be good or will they just procure more shit....

Well, another interesting day! Surprising isn't it? how ones life and everything that they know can be on the edge of a cliff with the edge crumbling away, and yet things just keep turning up in the most of unexpected places.

The heat, it just keeps bringing up more and more freckles out. God I hate them..... even my lily white skin has got a tinge of colour. Not good and yet is too hot for long sleeve garments.

Ever wished that a few words could put everything right and there was no elephant in any room. Its like those bloody sprites that sits on your soldier whispering things in your ears. Its like being on beach and everything and everyone you know and love are in the water, slowly being swept away further and further away from the shore and so from me. No matter how much you try and hold on to them they just can't keep a grip. But, such is life I suppose, the complexity of human emotion is never as simple as those that are inert. No matter how you try things that you believe, just never come across the right way. When a listening ear is all you need and is never on offer. Sometimes all you need to do is off load your problems. Sometimes all you need to do is forget them and have some fun.

At least I have got my books to escape into. Each offering a new world, a different life and a different perspective on life. Its amazing how things can shape the way we think and feel. How a few changes in the way our daily lives go at specific cross roads can alter the way we view things, change the perspective of how we want our lives to plan out. I wonder to the authors of the few words on a page or the few words on a computer screen, even those that put lyrics to a song realise what it is that they do to people. How they effect us.

I think I have a song, a poem, a book to fit every major life changing event. For every one of those the memory associated come flooding back. Never in black and white, but, in full colour. Just as vivid as they were when they were happening and the emotion just as strong, fervent as the most passionate of convictions. I always have been too emotional, affected by things too easily and see profoundness in everything, even when there is none to be had. And, I'm a crier, always have been, can cry over everything, something and nothing.

I'm a dreamer and always have been, nothing wrong with that and yet there are those that think that there is. I've always had a very overactive imagination. My mind travelling at the speed of light and my body slouching along behind like a clapped out mini. Even I know though, dreaming can not take the place of certain things that only life and reality can allow us to experience. and, Oh when we do!

How hard it is to keep things from people, how hard it is to keep the mask intact and no matter how much you try it disintegrates and crumbles. And, the true self peeks out from behind, with the disintegration comes the vulnerability. Where it crumbles the strength that you'd sent years building up, the walls that you had erected taller then those that enclosed Rapunzel start to fall brick by brick and there is no one there it would seem to help you build them back up. So, what is left? I'll tell you, what is left is weakness - a weakness that people can harm you with. A weakness that you let show to someone and then worry with the turn of events whether it was the right thing to do. Was it fair, was it what they wanted and were they even ready. I suppose that is what life is though, isn't it? a bundle of what ifs. A bundle of actions that you question and a lifetime trying to make sure that you salvage something from the wreckage. I really do feel like a deep sea salvage at times. I wonder, is it true that you made someone feel as good as they have made you feel.

"Constant Craving, has always been"

There has always been a constant craving deep within me, something that I have always suppressed. Suppressed and thus protected myself. But, I wonder, did I protect myself or have I, in fact, injured and wounded myself. I am as strong as people see me, and just cannot see it myself. Or, am I really that wounded animal in wood that is trying to hang on to life at every cost as the darkness engulfs me and I am just still very good at hiding. What is it that Billy Joel says ...well I can't paste as it won't let me so see the song on my wall. Its like his song "always a woman" thought myself a bit like that.

Someone asked me once what story inspired me most. What story I would most like to live.... Answer: the phantom of the opera. Love it and everything about it, forget Cinderella and snow white, give me that story any time. The plot, the character, the songs. Just everything!!!!!!!

And finally the last to be posted today. What can be said! I hate making people think that they should have a different, maybe worse opinion of me then they already have. Ever have the feeling that two people have had their wires crossed. Maybe think the same thing and it takes someone impartial to say something to break that chain. For something to be said and for contact to be made. Whatever contact that maybe. Softly Softly that's the way to go and maybe a much better novel will be achieved then if things are rushed. God that sounds cheesy doesn't it?

Have you ever had the feeling that things don't add up and when asking major questions straight out the answers are not forthcoming. Why are they not forthcoming. Is it that things are not as straight forward as people try and make out. That things are hotter on both sides then one party would care to admit. That the feelings are there still and the look that was always shared is still there as are so many things.... why can life never be simple? Why does shit always happen? God I hope things work themselves out, that there is something that can be built on -God I hope that the foundation of something is still there even if it means a slow approach. Why can I never get what I want to get across in the way I need it to get it across? Things would be so much more simple if it was easier on my behalf. See through the facade, see through the fear, see the truth behind what I say to how I feel and what I want. If the truth is contrary to this then even if it is brutally honest, it needs to be told to me. But, something, something just tells me deep down inside that its not all as it seems, that there is something unsaid. Some kind of feeling that is shared that one party is holding back on. After all, what is meant when someone suggests they feel the same still, that they enjoyed the time we spent together and still want to see my in some capacity, worry that I cannot or do not want to look at them and yet say that the situation just didn't sit right with them..... God I miss them, miss them so very much, uncontrollably so, their touch, kiss, voice, smell, breath, laugh, presence. Lets just cut it short and say everything. Maybe, it will be like a rose, one that blooms late in summer and surpasses all other flowers on the vine.

Its not just that though. Everything seems to be going to the dogs in my life. Everything and I don't have the strength to fight it. Bear my soul to the extent that I can and be laughed at and ridiculed, why should I bother, fight what would seem to be the inevitable. I have always felt unwanted and so kept the truth of who I am to myself, like a secret that needs to be jealously guarded for fear that it would face destruction if ever found out. Yet, I try on request to bring a person supposedly thought to be close to me deeper into my world and what is it for, to be assumed to be pathetic. I thus decide that whatever happens to me as a consequence those that seem to do this will be kept at arms length, as this is better. Then the ammunition that they have against you is limited. I can no longer forget the things that have been said and done over the years, apologise and go back into that prepared state of suspended animation. I have seen what it is like to feel, and I need to feel that again. However, people feel that this decision is wrong for me it is my choice and I need to make decisions in my life. I can't bear to not feel this again. I don't want to feel alive with anyone else. My life was sorted and I am gonna fight for that life to continue. But, never will the door to my soul be laid open without prove that I am not gonna be ridiculed by anyone. Cause I don't have the strength anymore. Don't think that I ever did. I think I just wore the mask well. But now the mask has worn out and I need someone to see that and respect that I am vulnerable. I need the love of two people in my life just as important as each other. The other I care for so very much and am unable to ascertain the feeling he has for me. The other, well I hate to say it, but I should care for them, far more then anyone else and yet I fear that my body is being eaten up with, consumed with hate for them for which there is no recovery, or indeed going back. The stem -ridicule and misunderstanding and refusal to listen.

I sat on my bed today and though of the lyrics

"I'm 18 with a bullet,

Got my finger on the trigger, gonna bullet"

God, I wish I had the courage, but I always have been a coward. And, if for no other reason, no one else would care for G quite like me.

God - how weak I feel today. Was going to stay in bed all day but that was never gonna happen was it, always just something that I think of as maybe being nice to do. A comment that I read made me think about things from the past and what I dream of for the future. A delicious thought, but not one that could be explicable shared in public domains. It was a bittersweet thought of hope and happiness, sadness and regret.

How I feel so weak. Unbelievable weak. Like there is nothing left inside of me. drained of all strength physically and emotionally. Pulled in all directions by the rack of life. Wishing that things could be different and that others wanted the same as me, maybe they don't but then I have never been good at reading people and what may be being said without being said.

How many of us have tried to clear our mind of things but just can't clear it? the harder you try to keep you mind clear of things the more the mind is filled with things that you don't want to think of . Hiding inside the prison of my mind and inside the walls of the house that feels like a prison trying to escape everything that I feel, feeling things that frankly scare me and not knowing in what direction my life will take from now on. Will I like the way it is going? or am I at the cross roads that I have been at before and yet again not be able to make the decision that needs to be made. Never have been able to make decisions and when I have they always seem to have alienated me from others. I wonder will I ever feel as though I belong or will I always be alone. People come and go, but never getting close. Do I imagine something that wasn't there or is it still there and just hidden from view buried amongst the shit that is life.Was this what was predestined for me. Well, if that was the case, then what the bloody hell did I do in a past life to suffer this. I think far too much, I know that....but there are words that keep meandering through my mind like a memory that is trying to tell me something. They are words that frighten me, really frighten me.....

"And here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I've ever known

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time "

If that makes me look like an idiot then so be it, there has too many years that have gone by in my life when I have felt so old and before my time. Too many years that I have been doing as others see fit. And, I don't see why that should go on. It is time to make sure that the parts of my life I can gain control of I do. Live for myself. The only problem with this is! I don't know how to go about putting this into action.

Checked someones horses today when went to see G. On my own I went to the furthest part of the field away from everyone and sang (if that's what you call it!!!) I have an awful voice and sand so hard and loud it brought tears to my eyes and my throat was so dry that I could have drunk the Nile dry....well I never done that before and well I have vowed to try new things....just wish I could also try new things, or should I say continue to try new things with another being. As much as I like G there is a limit to what she can do. Despite public opinion I'm not deluded.....

Didn't realise how far behind I was in posting these....its amazing how a pinprick of light can make the spark of hope rekindle itself but how with it the fears of confusion arise also. That's life I suppose.

Someone asked me the other day if I was pregnant. "God, No" I replied, where do these people get these ideas from. Do they think that I need that added complication. For some reason they thought that this would be easier....warped is the only word I think that I can use to describe this method of thought.....

I went off today and let the very warm breeze rush through my hair, both the cobwebs that cluttered G and my brain were swept away with the solitary joy that comes with seeing nobody while you go for a good amble across stream and field up hill and down dale. Over sixty jumps and loving every minute. Now I'm absolutely knackered - my arms feel like they've been pulled and then pushed back into their sockets and yet the muddle of cobwebs return. What a shame there is no window in our head that we can open any time that we want. Wouldn't that be great? I think that mine might be open all the time though....

Its so amazing how much difference a year can make. Its just a thrill to see how much work - the blood sweat and tears can come into fruition and be seen in work in something that really goes to plan. Makes a change!! Ever thought that you could set of and just keep going, on and on and on. Keep going until there is nowhere left to go. Is it a form of escapism? that like all escapism can only be felt and thus experienced for a moment, a fleeting moment at that. Or is it possible ? I am not sure! I love to feel the wind in my hair, the feel of freedom, whether with G or in another vehicle where the wind blows through your hair and stings your eyes. When you feel as if there is nobody else in the world and that there is no other form of life, visible to the eye; except perhaps that fond in the most barren of places where there is no way you would think that life could exist. Being to profound again.

Above and beyond anything there were a few hours today when I felt like me again. Free, without judgment and expectation. That maybe at least in one thing it is possible, even for me to say that I may not be such a failure in life as I thought. That despite all the heartache an the failure and the shit that seems to either found me or I have found there is one thing that remains true to form and that is G. Knowing that despite the criticisms and contentious talk all the decisions that I have made about her have been the right decisions.

Regret for this year - no photos......

I'm so bloody forgetful, I forgot to post this up for Friday, and Thursday well, I wasn't in the right head space to even turn the bloody computer on.

All I know, is if I keep going the way I am I am really gonna need a lobotomy. Even better take my whole brain to a pawn shop and replace it with another. Maybe, then I'd be less shocking, less of an embarrassment....

Sorry, Sorry, as you can see I'm still seething and had I logged this yesterday, instead of the blog being written, the computer would now be doing a very good impression of a modern day champagne bottle framed in situ, embedded in the wall.

I worried myself yesterday, I've always been really dark, obsessed with death, disease and dying - can't help it, know there are many out there dying and do not wish to, just the way I was made, I suppose. But, today I actually could have killed someone, had they stepped a few steps closer to me I would have smothered them, strangled them, I don't know what, but I'm at my wits end of being told what to do and say, and think and breathe and everything in between. Advice, without an order does not exist in my family. Do as I say or else. My response....well I think you can guess!

Then there is the others, - God this is turning into a bitching/moaning session rather then a blog. Well I did say that I liked to moan and procrastinate, well this is the moan part. Saying that, maybe that's what I have been doing all the way along the line. I don't care! you don't have to read it, its your choice, so switch off now if you like. What is it with people? Under the guise of "friendship" they suck like leaches off your pain and hope. Making their judgments without knowing all the details, "helping" but in fact sticking their noses in. In a month I have gone from a sullen ugly duckling, to a happy and "different" swan. Now, current status, yes! current status, let me get this right.

1. A potential embarrassment to myself and others
2. A show of lack of dignity and self respect
3. A needy desperate bunny boiler
4. A complete shock - and get this, the reason: We all forget that NATASHA is a WOMAN and not a CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoopee! they get it - in future please remember, I was born in 1984 not 1994....

And if someone says that Scarcasm id the lowest form of wit I will be coming after them with a mallet, nice and blunt you see...

My answer, well yes I am a woman and I have more then one interest then G. I have a sense of humour, orientated more toward what men may find funny, and there are many other things about me that I am sure will shock....but their private....Maybe, people should find things out about me rather then just make the comments.

Pity, such a patronising emotion, as are people that pretend just to find things out and then try and tell you what to do, and don't respect when you only take parts of their advise and want to follow your own head and heart in all things. To do what you think is right and not what others think. I've had enough of not being allowed to think for myself. My life to some degree controlled by certain elements, drugs, hospitals, doctors, conditions, over protective parents etc. My brain and heart are my own, or at least I thought they were, now I'm not that sure. The upshot is, I have that at home and I don't need it from anyone else.

That's one of the problems with this world - people making too many judgments, walking away, instead of working through something and coming out the other end having something to hold on to however, different that might be from what you had anticipated. If it works for you and any other persons involved then what is the harm - even if the rest of the people that surround you think your mad. We all have to make our own decisions and God knows, we get hurt and if we get hurt again within the same situation then walk away, but everything deserves a second chance. Not everything is that simple as we may have at first thought. Maybe time and understanding is needed. Maybe at the end of that process the situation is better and works better and then you can say... because if you had walked away then you would never have got there. Would you?

And, when does constructive criticism, just turn into someone nagging?Oh God, Why? when everything falls into place, why is something always put into spoil the mixture, is it that something or someone thinks that a scenario can be better, or is it that some of us are just predestined to be negative, depressive, maudlin, suicidal, lonely, billy no mates all our lives. You decide, but the way things are going I think I have already decided. Someone needs to change my mind and fast. Everyone seems to be leaving, I man Ive been seeing for 23 years- don't panic its my no.1 doctor is retiring and whilst I knew it would be hard when the time came, somehow it seems harder then I ever thought it would be, I'm a control freak, not just a freak!!!! there you go youve heard it straight from the horses mouth. Everything seems harder at the moment and whilst there are those that think that I have never been of sound mind, for the first time in my life I think that I actually feel that way! That they may be right, but on the other hand who really is.

Smiling when you don't really want to can really make your face ache. Watched Labyrinth the other day and watching that usually makes me smile, whatever my mood, just couldn't- all I could do was cry and cry and cry. Those silent ones, the ones that well up in your eyes and blind you. Bowie has never done that to me before, so things must be bad. Made worse by that stupid saying, "things will get back to normal" do people really weigh that comment up, know what they are saying when they apply that sentence. Its a bit like taking someone from death row out for a day trip and seeing them overwhelmed or upset, saying to them "don't worry life will get back to normal soon"....

There's only one that can really help! so note to you, even though you don't bloody read this I'm sure! Hurry up about it will you?

As Promised...

A Gypsy came to the castle gate, he sang so sweet and wild,

And with his song he stole away the masters only child.

Oh she cast away her silken gown, she cast away her pride.

And ran with away with him one night, down to the sea so wild.

Come home, Come home, my bonny little child, come home again to me.

Sit once more by our own fireside with head upon my knee.

Oh I'd rather live an hour here, then seven long years with thee.

And feel the salt spray on my cheek and know that I am free.

She danced in the wind and danced in the rain on edge of the cliffs and the shore.

And tasted the salt upon her cheek and never came home no more....

The lyrics to this folk song hit a chord with me, hearing it even before recent events I was moved and maybe because of the way that I had always dreamed as a child, but now the meaning, the words they are poignant. And yet, there is always the bitter regret and everlasting presence of hope, and wish, that it lasted longer or that it can be rekindled.

Dreams, we all have them, don't we? childhood dreams, dreams when we're adults, do we ever get rid of that sense of dreaming? Is there ever a time in our lives that we don't take out that small golden key and unlock the padlock of the chest that holds our dreams. What did we dream about when we were children. Do throw those dreams away when we are older? Replace them for new dreams, or do we just allow them to mutate, become more complex. In our dreams, both of the imagination and the midnight hours do we remain the child? Surely, life is nothing without our dreams. Can our dreams hurt us though? Is it possible to invest too much in our dreams, allow them to give us the wrong ideas about life and way the world is. Are dreams nothing more then ideals that we have, ideals that there is no way could possibly be reality. In a way, you could say that we are all politicians in a way. Yes, I have been watching the run up to the general elections. Well, don't they. I mean have ideals and dreams that they sell to us, with the knowledge that they as people, or the dreams themselves can never be fulfilled. I know, a very simplistic and romantic idea and not the complexity of where I stand on politics, but, why not use some artistic licence to manipulate. After all, that bunch are very good at it. Aren't they?

Please, comment if you think I am wrong? But do you think only children dream more then those with siblings, or is it the other way around? Answers on a post card please! Do you think that all girls dream of castles, princes, white horses and evil witches. Well I didn't. I think I was the proverbial fucked up bitch at birth. My moods were black, as black as a child as they are now and I used to dream that I would find the love of my life as I was dying. No princes, no towers and no witches. Horses, OK I'll admit it they were in there but my childhood love fantasy - the one that I would dream of having in reality was that my lover saved me from death but was disapproved of, so away we run and live together, proving everyone wrong freeing ourselves from a life of masks and incognito and servitude to become ourselves, find ourselves. I think maybe he didn't save me from death, instead it was a life after death. Happy stuff - yes! It soon disappeared, I convinced myself that I would live and die at 21 a virgin and nearly did. Then as a nun, untouched pure and without formal religion and I thought I was and seem to be headed that way again. But, deep down inside of me on a daily basis, an all consuming dream always reawakens and bubbles to the surface. My original dream, my idealistic dream, that no matter how I try and get to grips with the fact that somethings in life are not and never will be like our dreams. Love can strike once and once only, and that love can be the most powerful thing you can imagine, it happens and there is no need for anything or anyone else as it is strong enough to withstand judgment and adversity. I believe in love, one love and nobody will shake me of that. But tell me what do you lot think? think I'm a fool, childlike and too idealistic. Or am I the one that is just voicing what most of us want or think.

Really don't know what to do any more, like is darker and more desperate everyday. I am loosing everything and everyone around me and seem to have no control or way to stop it from happening. I wonder the what the point is.... I alienate everyone and everyone tires of me sooner or later. I never go about things in the way that I need to, and I always try and hide the real me for fear that, that person will be even more unacceptable then the facade that I am used to wearing. I no longer know who I am... somehow she was lost along the way and there seems little to do to find her again. I think she was lost a long time ago, if she was ever there to start with. I don't even know what to believe any more, and everything I say comes out wrong. What can I do? I am a B.I.T.C.H.and the is no getting away from it. Thing I have done, with no consideration of the consequences, are the same as the things that others have done to me and to which I have retaliated too. I can feel the very life blood ebbing way from me. I feel my very organs drying up and shrivelling those last few bits more then what they have done already leaving me in a state of living decay. My body and mind consumed like a body consumed with a disease that eats it away from the inside out with a deadly mixture of the most intense and pure untarnished love and bitter hatred, wrongfulness and bitterness. Washed down with a regret that I always unable to get across in the sincerity that it is meant in.

Why am I unable to stop making the same mistakes? For so many reasons I wish I was another person, different, better, NORMAL. The pain that my family have been through, the agony that I watched them bear and yet they have me bare the same. However, they are able to put things to bed and yet I am unable. Now, though there is no putting to bed. Now I want to some to see that I am who I am. That I will never change and yet there is nothing wrong with being me. So why do I feel so ashamed of who I am? Why do I find the need to reaffirm my insecurities and the why do those closet to me do they very things that they advise others not to do. Three people are leaving me, it would seem, and to great hurt to me that one already has, and I wish they hadn't. Wish they would return to me.

The other two are in that process, both hurt, one for their familiarity and the second because of what it means, the hurt that is being caused on both sides and the consequences and ramifications it has on both of us and the rest of the family and our lives as we know it. The worst thing about this scenario is as much as I care I also don't care and that makes me a terrible person. Despicable. When things need saying and doing and yet I never seem to be able to carry the action or the words out in the way that they should be, when everything that I know and believe is falling about my ears like the walls of Jericho, I only wait now to disintegrate like a pillar of salt.

The last person, a staple in my life, I fear I cannot stop, as events always occur and decisions are made, you know that they will happen, you expect them, but its never easy. When everything you say just comes out wrong, however you desperately have the right intentions. Trying to enlighten someone to the way you feel and the way they make you feel, the consequences of their actions. Whether they realise and whether they are seeing it as it should be seen, as two in something together, trying in their own way to hang on and hot loose grip on that crumbling rock face. Nothing ever seems to work though. Nothing ever seems to go the way its supposed to, and nothing ever goes right.Nothing will ever be the same again. Who would want it to? When ones life is changed so dramatically, by event and person why would one want to go back. But, on the other hand, why would another try to and seemingly destroy that for someone, all with the painted on smile and suggestion that it was just an action based on a request. There there is the possibility that I have pushed another to hard, hurt them as they hurt me and ruined any chance of the making amends with another, in this I do hope that the retractions and explanations, will help. That for once the decisions and the actions of another are not negatively strong enough to hold fast . That they will once again be drawn to me and that things can be mended and made better. In a state of limbo at the moment, unsure whether I have lost a good thing in my life as a temporary measure or for good is K.I.L.L.I.N.G. me and the problem is there are too many opinions involved. Will they know the sincerity and truthfulness of what I say, can the hear the meaning behind what I say, or will they just desert.

Have I again lost something so very dear to me, or will it be restored to me. That their own situation will resolve itself and that the problems can be worked through as a team instead of apart. That unlike the situation I find myself in those closest will talk and they will listen and take on board. Act!!!!! At the moment everything is bleak. I have always raged but cannot face the rage any more, do not have the strength to rage, it has ebbed away and no one seems to want to stop the bleeding. No one seems to want to, to be close enough to me, for long enough to see the bleeding stop, the colour return and ensure that bleeding does not start again. No one seems to want to be there to make sure there is no cause for that bleeding to have cause to begin again in the first place, and if it does be there to put another plaster on. I adore the following words, courage in the face of adversity and be able to give strength to anyone, when they needed it the most. So why is it not working for me anymore.

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Thought I'd found someone that the following words were applicable to. The Soul mate, the one that would understand me better then anyone. That seemed to understand me, knew what I was thinking and why before I even said it. Wanted to spend the time with me. Craved the time of just being as well as the intimacy when together. Hope I've still found that and not pushed it away. That this will be returned to me, bigger and better, then before. I don't wan to die having never seen my life represented by these words. Never having been able to love someone for so long and for such a reason as "it was just right". Never having shared my life with someone that felt the same about me. That we breathed each others air and were as one. Never know that I have spoken and they have appreciated that when death takes you you love them so much that you can ensure you tell them to forget. My darling G, already knows that, but it is different, it is the love of a mother, I crave this as a lover, and yet fear that the convent is the only place I am headed. That I've always been headed there and a blip was put in my way, that I would have forsaken the convent for and still would, but they wish me not too. I hope things can be rectified in all these things, life can come good in all three scenarios, two specifically. If not, then the consequences of both don't even bare being thought about for me or for them and their own happiness.

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,Gone far away into the silent land;When you can no more hold me by the hand,Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.Remember me when no more day by day. You tell me of our future that you plann'd:Only remember me; you understand. It will be late to counsel then or pray.Yet if you should forget me for a while. And afterwards remember, do not grieve:For if the darkness and corruption leave. A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,Better by far you should forget and smile. Than that you should remember and be sad

Always did dream, not of castles or princesses but of gypsies and the freedom of the open world and the love that was forbidden to you and the love that you found and never lost. I love these words and the song posted on my wall.

Although I fear itmay have to be tomorrow. The bloody internet has gone down.........

Not writing much today, not in the mood and really cannot concentrate. My mind is really foggy. Just don't think I can think about much....

There are too many secrets that are kept from those we love, secrets that are superficial and mean so little and those that are so big that they threaten to blow some body's world wide apart, like the surgical scalpel entering the flesh. Which would be better I wonder, to know, or not know. At least if you did not know then you would be able to live your life through without worry about the consequence and ramifications for those left behind.

I think I might be able to sleep tonight, as I can feel my eyes heavy, we will just have to wait and see though, won't we?

When does protection of a loved one from something, turn into avoidance from the issue? and when if we really ever do we tell them the truth. When we do, do we talk to them calmly or spit it at them, because of the way we feel.

This is taking ages to write, its all this stress and exercise, combined with no food - it takes its time but suddenly you realise your knackered. My last wisdom tooth is erupting and it bloody kills!

It seems everyone is cruel in their own way, and so many do it with a painted smile on their faces. Judgments are made and yet they are bot privy to the complete story. But, still they say the things they do without thought for the other person and how they might feel, irrelevant of their emotional status. No, matter the context and how things might be construed or misconstrued there are ways of going about things. A well placed compliment that is far from being the truth justifies the many cruel and callous things that are said that are neither true or correct. There are reasons for the actions that we make sometimes and they should always be taken into consideration before judgements are made and things said that can not be taken back. The ripple can create the biggest waves......

Ever hate the feeling, someone is getting on with their life and not giving you a second thought. Not even a thought... that you are being ignored, despite the words passed between you. That their own insecurities are stopping them from doing the right thing. Ever felt that you worry about the way your perceived, worry whether every thing you do is the right thing, or a you making the situation worse?. Can the battle be won or has the battle field only got one set of knights on it. Does the queen stand alone, or is she in her right to be there, waiting to be won back. Does the King wait behind the lines waiting to have his queen tell him to stop making the biggest mistake of his life, or has he already walked away, to his detriment and future happiness.

Ever hate the knowledge that people are pretending to be nice and concerned for you and your welfare and yet behind your back they are bitching to the one person that could really destroy you. Doing a really good job at that in any case. Ever wish if that was the case, instead of the pretence they'd tell you what you think. After all its not like you haven't coped, well not coped but muddled by on your own and alone before. Get the feeling that they think the things you day stupid and superficial, just something to be over dramatic and create attention. Thought to yourself, that they may have been through it, but don't understand the feelings the event the things that were passed between. No comprehension of tiring of strength. of it seeping away and being spread thin like to much bread and too little butter. Give, people a break I hear you say, maybe I should?Don't trust that easily though! Does anyone ever really understand some one's past and what and how they are affected, or by. After all, the most trivial could cause the most damage.

I know, its not a bed of roses and full of laughter, this blog, is it?. Is it supposed to be? Not always! Its for me to say the things I want to and don't have the courage to. I'm so used to being alone, lonely and yet resignation is not the song that I want to sing anymore. "Think of my head on your chest". So why do I feel so lonely? "your mommas waiting up and your thinking he's the one, your dancing round your room at the end of the night" That's exactly what I always thought would happen to me, and it did, so why not fight when the sums don't add up and you know that the sum you both make together do add up. When you are Pooh Bear and honey. You can't explain it, but, its just right! Why I do always have a facade that I put up? There are those that think me weird, depressive, obsessive, intense, too serious, or believe it or not, never serious.

God, I need to breathe again. I'm drowning. The tide is too strong and I'm not making ground. How long do I have to wait? It's ironic, I know, I can hear you laugh at how ironic it will seem! My life is full of repetition, can't change that, its me! But need to stop this repetition of this "history book repeating itself". I've always forgiven hurt, from wherever its come from and in what form and I can forgive this, I have, just waiting for them to realise this and amend their bloody mistake. I want fun, to try things I've never done before and always dreamed of. I'm tired of conditioning and prison walls of ever giving materialism and dutiful support. Tired of the never giving emotional support, always being pushed away and ridiculed. Disagree with me if you want, but the things that happen behind the closed doors are what fill in the picture.

I want fun scenario and will do what it takes to get it back. What hurts is not having that fun, especially with the person who realised the real person and the not the android, who, let's face it would have been better placed in a Sci-Fi programme that I watch ... warped but true... I've always been a dreamer. It feels so good to know someone cared for me as I am, didn't judge me for they way I feel. Want it back!!! This blog is not going the way I meant it to. My mind is boggled!

Nobody rescued me today!!! I needed to be rescued....needed a night of being held - just held. Needed the touch of a caress and the brush of lips, needed the gentle strength of protectiveness and wanting. Well if what never happened happened I wouldn't complain. (Are you listening to me, you know who you are, I don't wanna be a bloody virgin anymore. Don't mean to say I'll give it to anyone or for nothing though!!!!)

A day of sat in a hot roof tidying, sorting for yet another year, the things that aren't mine. How the mind drifts.... the trickle of sweat down the centre of your back and the dusty dryness in the your throat when you need a drink. It transports you to another place. Tell me, why does the I pod, when its on random, always pick out the songs that get to you the most? I hate not knowing what to think! Am I too demanding, is it true? I was fearless, I want you back... don't care if people think me a fool! Does he think he's made a mistake, those that are nosey seem to think so. Is he frightened. Tell me then. "Time is going by...hold me til the hurt is gone...don't wanna regret not saying this to you""never dreamed you'd be mine"

God I can't concentrate, my feet are killing me...never walk 40 miles for no apparent reason in two days. Not a good idea... I always knew I was strange didn't think I be driven to do that though. Fucking Stupid - isn't the words that justify, but their close! Now every part of me aches with pain and longing - wonderful! Then there's the sleep deprivation, 8 bloody days, mad! I feel like a Bodhisattva. Maybe I should cut my eye lids off so I can't blink and stare at a wall. Supposed to do that to stay awake, maybe it'll have the reverse effect! Then no food! I know, I know , this is wrong I've heard the spiel so many times I know it off the top of my head without thinking about it.But 4 stone and losing weight rapidly can be SO thrilling. Just like being in love you gt jumpy and your minds all over the place. Should eat something suppose, really - 8 days today and well, I felt a little faint today. The first time someone offered to force feed me I recoiled, the second well I welcomed it... Good thing with riding, the muscles - more developed you see, so less like, well no! I was classified as worse then a Nazi POW- but then I was 2 stone 6- just 1 and a half to go. Only Joking. I know how to play the game now. One day maybe a picture at my lowest, or not.

Today as been extremely mixed. With everyday, it get harder to find something to talk about, without becoming even more tedious.

What do you guys out there think about cynicism?

I always thought that I was a cynic! however, in the past few weeks I've met a real cynic, no matter what you do they seem to think that they are right about a certain subject. Regardless of the actions and the words spoken in sincerity by a person they have apparently grown close to. Do we ever recover from cynicism? or does it taint our lives through so that in the end we end up lonely. We have all been hurt, haven't we? some of us more then others. The scars never go away, but they heal don't they? I know that you never forget the pain, but surely when you find someone that lays themselves bare to what they feel and how they want to be with you; what they want from you, you know, surely that, that feeling of knowing your not going to be hurt by that person grows. I wonder though, do we run from this feeling? Does it scare us? Is it that we need time to adjust to the way we feel? and inadvertently hurt that person. How many loves are lost like this? How many stand tall, forgive and make it work because of that mutual attraction. Seeing through the facade to the truth? The work comes though in getting that cynic to drop their facade. Someone said to this person, who thinks every woman will hurt him, "....true love produces a real woman though.... If the love is strong the woman wouldn't want to find something else". Why can men never see the truth, why can't they be a man and admit when they have acted wrongly and made a mistake? Why is it the woman who has to try and fight tooth and nail, sweat blood and tears to keep what they know to be right.

What makes a real woman? I am sure we all have our own views. What makes a woman the exception? This woman that this person seems to be looking for. I wonder shall we help him realise... or if he cannot listen to a very close friend and the woman that cares so deeply for him its beyond comprehension, is there a point? Well, not always the optimist, rarely the optimist, I think there is a point. The reason: I hate to see people making mistakes. So, lets start at the beginning, and see if you women out there agree with me. Given that my experience of these things is brand new, and majorly based on ROM Com's and classic and modern literature it may be a little over simplified, romantic and dream like. After all, I have Lizzie Bennett and Cathy or mentors. Nonetheless, I also have my own views and in my esteemed opinion, a real woman is the following ...

She will always be there for the man that she loves, never judge, always listen and advise, when he needs it. To be able to chat about the issues important to you both or just about the day to day chat . Thus building the relationship to be deeper and thus build the bond that the two share.
She will hold him when he is in despair or just needs her, after all there is nothing better then holding and being held by the one you love. Is there? She is there to comfort him as he his for her when you need it. Or indeed be there to hold him when you just want to know that there is someone there to keep the company, and the loneliness away.
She will allow him the time he needs away from her with his friends (along as she always come first though!!!!) After all, there is nothing worse then being in each others pockets and giving up all other parts of your life. The balance must be found though!!!!
She will always be honest with him, as this is the key to never hurting him. Honesty is at the base of it, a relationship is nothing without that honesty, and it stops misunderstandings from occurring and then the inevitability of unnecessary hurt happening.
She will be there for him when she knows that just her presence is enough and there is no need for words. Just her smile and her touch.
She will make him realise his mistake when he cannot see the wood for the trees and
cannot see that he is being illogical or indeed unreasonable. If he is overacting. She will be there to let him know how she feels when he feels threatened as he should be for her.
She would teach him about love as he would her, when appropriate using her body like a womb. We all know that sex is not the be all and end all but it is integral. It is important for her as well as him for her to be a different woman where sex is the topic of the day. Its as I said previously, why should women be subservient to sex. They should embrace it as men do, but men need to know, inevitably it will mean more to a woman in the long run.
She would always be herself, never changing herself for him, so that she never ended up resenting him. Individualism and identity are as important as being one....
She will know him better then he knows himself...

I told you it had been a strange day. I thought this up, when in the heat of the afternoon and early evening as the sun lowered in the sky, the shadows lengthened but the heat remained, I walked for three hours from my freedom to my prison. It was if I was the only woman nay, person in the world. Things seemed new, as my mind transported to a time when everything instead of just Gweilo made me smile. When life gifted me with something that I now have to fight to keep hold of and seem to be in limbo unsure of how that scenario will work out. The mind like life is cruel. Our mental DVD player, I Pod and photo album. It allows us to remember things that made us happy, it makes us remember things that caused us pain, it retains things that make us smile at times when while we smile we also want to cry. In time it makes us forget the clarity of things when we desperately want to. So what our only option record things for prosperity and hope they work out. "close my eyes and the flashbacks started.. that you were Romeo...you were throwing pebbles and my mummy said stay away from Juliet...and I said Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone... you are everything to me... this love is difficult but its real...we'll make it out of this mess...wondering if your ever coming around...I've been feelings so alone, is this in my head I don't know what to think" I Believe in this now and always. why do we dream of what was, has been, is and what is to come... lets hope we can make what is to come better then what is now....

Hey! wasn't sure what I was going to procrastinate about today and then it came to me... how about "girls having fun". We all do it, don't we girls? hide that vixen deep within us... I wonder why we never let her out. Yeah, we all have fun - don't we? but there is always that part of us that stays reserved and allow out only when we're completely alone.

Men having been doing it for years, letting themselves go, and liberating themselves but why did we hide behind the mask of reservation and propriety. Why? we went through the pains and anguishes of the suffragette movement, even in the '60s with the movement of burning bras there was still the disapproval associated with women being liberated an having fun that was not associated with men. Doesn't seem right to me. And, I'm not just talking about sexual liberation! Emily Pankhurst would be turning in her grave.

Maybe my view is clouded. I've never had the chance to have fun. There seems to always be an emitting circumstance to stop me. In a way I suspect there will always be, however I hope I get the chance to try...and try with someone who would not suspect me to be SO... well mad when the tunes begin, why not start to jump about when you hear a song you like. Its about freedom, isn't it girls? and we all need freedom, if we don't have freedom and the fun that's associated with then life just becomes androgynous.

Can someone tell me why we always start having fun when we at first taste freedom and then as fast as we experience it, it dies and the fun that we have becomes to take on the shape of what we saw our parents say was fun... seeing the look of resignation and longing in their eyes, for something more, better? Someone of us gain our freedom early and others have to wait, it comes to them like a tsunami, washing them along giving them no chance to catch their breathe and understand what is happening to them. But, one thing that remains is that none of us are the same again. Yes, as we age the idea of fun should and will without doubt change, but my advise to everyone and myself is enjoy every minute, life is too short and there is too much hurt and tribulation for us to become resigned. If your not having fun, then shout it out, change it for your own sake!!!!

I hear you cry, "some of us have plenty of fun", I know, I know, but there is the issue of confidence (let me digress a minute, any one heard the song "The Girl's Got No Confidence", about a woman who seems to have brains looks etc shes got no confidence. I dare say there is not one woman out there that at one point has felt so good about themselves that they think they've got everything and yet no confidence. hear it on my face book wall). Some of us only know an audience of the hoover and a stage that is the living room, our outfit, well for me at least - the sexiest, I own and I have some very sexy underwear, all the way from Japan. The fact I look like something out of Mrs Doubt fire (see my face book wall) is beside the point. Whereas, the rest of you have the confidence to take advantage of every event that you can have fun. I had a new experience the other day, I went to a pub (don't you dare laugh! No I've never been to a pub before) and as we were leaving the people that I was with started to talk about a local nightclub. Every bone in my body screamed lets go! I stepped out of myself and didn't recognise me! but hey, we didn't and I still want to go.

Come on girls, have you never been in that position when the judgments or ideas/opinions that people have of you are shattered. Bulldozed like a building condemned for demolition. Don't you love the look on their face. Whether its just liberation of having fun or whether its sexual liberation, there is a look of complete shock mixed with enjoyment which they cannot hide. Especially us girls! you know the ones of us that I mean! those of us that look prim and proper, straight laced, with our top button done up and appear - quite frankly anally boring!!!! I don't know what you lot think, but I think that is the one thing that is better. You can appear to everyone in the light of day to be a fine upstanding citizen. But, behind closed doors... why should women adopt the approach that we lie back and think of England... Embrace fun and have fun playing with someone (you make what you want of that comment, I have been accused of double entente before and don't care!). I'm an innocent still, a true virgin. But, when you've been given the precursor to a taste of real fun and then are left burning you do start to have a very over active imagination. Is there anything wrong with that girls?

Freedom is coming my way slowly, very slowly but the taste of it is like a vintage champagne and I intend to savour every minute. I know who I want and how I want that fun, its time for rebellion, even if it has to be behind closed doors and away from the day job. After all, we all have responsibilities don't we. The prospect of dancing the night away, raising the night and not lying back and thinking of England is on the menu for me, but I ask you all, how long, I wonder will the meal take to prepare. My suggestion, tell me, is it right? Some of the best meals take the longest to prepare. The key though is for it to always be an experience that never tarnishes, never becomes old.

Maybe, that why some one today said to me that my swan had emerged from the ugly duckling and now I needed to get out and get what and who I want. To not let the ugly duckling reemerge. I laughed it off, but there is some truth and that's why I intend to somehow join the gangs of girls out there that are having fun....if that means playing the long game then so be it. I always a stayer! I can't see everyone embracing this new me as much as I wish too. I'm not that different, not all but, there is a fire burning inside me and I don't want that spark to disappear.

Well, I'm back again... in the midnight hours when the rest of you are asleep. I'm really mounting up those hours of insomnia and fasting. Thought an immense amount of physical exertion today may have helped, but as you can all guess it didn't... I should have taken a trip down to the manor at Syde and helped out, I think that would have just distracted me though!!!! Or should I say someone!!! even the classical music I'm listening to isn't helping, just invoking strong feelings of sorrow and passion. I hear you shouting at me, I know "take sleeping tablets" - they don't work. I'd need the amount to knock out a cow...

Have you ever wondered how so many people that you have known in the past from different places end up knowing each other now, and find yourself wondering how they could possibly have met when they seem to have all been placed in different scenarios. Have you ever wanted to contact them, out of the blue after years and ask them quite nosily "how do you know so and so?". How about those that you have either been or want to be close to and are now friends. Have you ever wanted to take them in your arms and comfort them when they are stressed and seemingly not coping with certain areas of their life. Even though you know that there network of friends is vast, you have that notion that only you can help or understand. What do you do about it? I often wonder, when the scenario you find yourself in is lacking in clarity for either one or both of you what it is that goes through your mind! Are you on the same page... or the differences in how you are feeling create that ubiquitous elephant in the room... can you ever get past that? Or do you inevitable end up getting to/back together or going your separate ways. It all seems such a waste and shows that life would be so much more enjoyable and less stressful if we could all read each others minds!

Are there anyone out there that knows what I mean when I say that sometimes you worry about someone more then you need... Anything to forget about the worry that people might have for you. Am I alone to say that sometimes a situation gets so bad that in the end you end up not caring as a matter of course! Consequently you end up not caring either for the other person affected by the situation. God that sounds awful! Hit the self destruct button and take on the consequences and ramifications as they arrive. Do we often know what we are doing when actions are taken by us? Do we see the whole situation as we begin to play the scene? When others point out things, is it a case that we did not procure to these points, or that we refuse to acknowledge that we did in fact knowingly ignore what our actions might affect the others surrounding us. I'm in that position, but unusually, I'm the one that will be affected by the others actions as they refuse to undo the damage that they have done so far. Instead they continue on the course that they have laid out and continue as if they were Casey Junior. Yes! Yes! I hear some of you cry, "who is Casey Junior?"well you'll have to find out yourself if your that interested. I might sound like a boring sage but I'm here to vent, moan and procrastinate. Not lecture.

Some years ago I was introduced to Astrology, can't say that I go in very much to believing in it. But, it must hold some fascination to me, as I often look at what the daily forecast is... I can only think, as I never take any notice of it, is that its the fascination that one has in something that they think allot of bullshit... All right! I know that there are those out there who believe in it, and live their lives by it. Bit like those who think that yoga is crap. I have to say that I do not on that score, I found myself in a situation recently that would have led directly to yoga being very useful. Needless to say, there was no such procurement, and that is enough said. I am sure many of you understand the need for some privacy and the rest of you have imaginations that I'm sure you'll use to great effect. I digress.

Astrology! lets see how accurate it is? I am a Sagittarius! I am supposed to be optimistic, well that's not true, ask anyone who knows me. I think I must be one of the most pessimistic people on the planet. As for travel and ambition well yes, that's true! But to say that idealism is not affected by disappointment I don't agree with, not in my case anyway, and I've had lots of disappointments....Sincerely generous with a passion, trustworthy and loyal is very true, but who sees that as being a quality, that would mean staying around for any length of time and nobody has done that so far in my case. Whoever they are they all get fed up and leave and fairly quickly as well. Sagittarius's are you thinking that any of this sounds familiar? let me know? REBELLIOUS... oh Yes!!! I have recently discovered how tantalizing and fun being rebelliously naughty can be, especially when you are with another. I wonder, though is that leading someone astray? Can you lead someone astray, or do they have to want to be led astray? All astrology fans you can jump up and down screaming YEP!! at this point as I am beginning to get very scared at how this information given to me is like me... I don't believe in God, no but have a sense of something I must believe in and everyone says I overdo my ethics.Can't say I'm a conversationalist but as I'm training to take on a post as a historical researcher, I'm still listening. Sexually, conventional, well maybe! In control, depends! faithful oh definitely!thought to be frigid by many oh yes that definitely is a definite. Possibly even so right you could say that I have had the ability to shock in how non frigid I am. Still listening, come on now I'm scaring and have to say it, shocking myself here. A fiery temper, demanding and great with horses. Who wrote this? you know who you are! Are you sure you just didn't write about me?As for having a good sense of humour, always thought people were laughing at me, until recently someone said that they were laughing with me and I made them laugh. For relationships that are sexually passionate, intellectual as well as full of a sense of ease go for those that are Piceans. Alright, you sold me on the ideas! But theses daily star sign horoscopes, nar!

Hey, all you insomniacs! want to sleep? do you wanna know the best sleeping tonic then. Its to find someone that you really care deeply for, and hope that they feel the same way. Then in the middle of the night when every one's sleeping and your awake you find yourself drifting off, into what is an usual state for us lot, lets face it! feeling the warmth of their skin next to yours, watching the gentle rise and fall of their chest as they breathe in and out as they sleep. Watching how peaceful they are and know that their smell - that headiness that fills you up is what takes you to the land of nod. Knowing that there you lie embraced by arms that belong to another and it seems the most natural thing in the world. The problem with this, is keeping them. Should they up and leave you as is the trend for many that time and those hours at night when the rest of the world is asleep, the time that we have come to regard with a sense of friendly familiarity can become a sparse and barren wasteland of lonliness. You'll find that once you've felt that there's no turning back and there is never again a time that you want to sleep alone and not feel the arms of that choosen one touching you as you lie there together....waiting for morning and the look of love in their eyes. Savour it you never know how many times you'll feel it or indeed how long it'll last!!!!!!!!!!

Hey everyone, whose not reading this. well, so what... Another day in limbo. Has anyone ever had those days when they just can't be arsed to fight anything or anyone. The most that they can do is drag themselves from their bed for some non essential reason. Well, I managed that today, as I do everyday. I rode and then returned to the limbo that is surrounding me and has been of late away from the public eye.

Anyone, ever had a day when their mind won't shut up. God! I wish mine would shut up. I need it to give it the fuck a rest...its like those really annoying adverts that you get on the t.v. - You know the ones that they play time and again and all you want to do is throw the set through the highest window in a desperate attempt to shut the fucking thing up. Unfortunately, for me, save jumping out the window myself, something strongly considered on many occasions I am unable to do that with my mind.

Haven't slept in soo... long! 4 hours in the last two weeks and well the last three days have been hell. Least before there was something good to think about. Partner that with the fact that I've not eaten in 82 hours I am feeling decidedly vampiric. No, not Twilight vampiric, I hear to ghast in shock. Something more like a cross between Dracula and a kid out the "Lost Boys". They say that Vampires are people that have bargined with the devil. Maybe, I have, it certainly does feel at the moment like I'm caught in the depths of the earth. Those hidden bowels where great caverns and chasms split through her very heart and lick with flames, something tountamount to the end scences in the J.R.R. Tolkien books collectively known as "The Lord of the Rings". I feel like I'm on the verge of hallucinagenic collapse , but as Pat Benatar said "My body's not that kind".

Used to love the way that I could stay awake for hours, watching the hours tick by on the clock and see the world sleep, but then listen to the endless and very incessant way that it would go about its buisness during the day. I'm tired of that though there is no longer a sense of comfort in these graveyard hours. The only benifit is that you can never complain that there is never enough hours in the day.

My nights are pregnant - pregnant with a sense of lonliness now. Perry Como once said "I guess they understand how lonely life has been, but life began again the day you took my hand...And, yes I know how loveless life can be, the shadows follow me and the night won't set me free". I know, its soppy and sentimental, well sometimes there is a need for soppy and sentimental and that is maybe what has been missing in my life. I've never really been that type. But, yes, but there is one thing that is never talked about and this is the cynical part that we all love to forget. Or, not forget but convieniently ignore for as long as possible. That is, that it is only a matter of time before that person lets go of your hand and sends you straight back to the prison that they had released you from.Life is a bitch and as someone quoted to me, "to live is to die!!!". Its in this time that we find ourselves split into two groups, are we not? Some forgive, forget and try again if that person wants to, the other put two fingers in the air and say "FUCK YOU". Well, I'm not that kind and am a strong believer that only you know what is best for you at the time and what will make you happy. My advise then, never let someone rule you, impose their own beliefs and opinions onto you, let them live their lives as they wish to and you the way that you want.

Hey all you insomniacs out there, what do you think to this, have you ever felt this way? The best nights sleep I have ever had was when I was touching someone else's skin, letting their skin warm mine and watching the gentle rise and fall of their chest as they breathed. Listening to their heart thud rythmically steady as they slept. Watching the person that you care deeply for sleep is the best sleeping tonic you could imagine. And, believe me, I've tried them all. But God is it lonely when they up and leave you. The prospect of being awake alnight never again has that same meaning....

When is this bloody weather gonna cheerup? heat wave this year, what heatwave? doe these weather man and women (can't forget the women now in this world of equality) with their satalites actually know what they are talking about and do they actually think that any one takes notice of them as they stand in front of a blank screen waving their arms about thinking that they look important.
what was it that Ozzy Osbourne said, i know i can hear some of you scream, "the man is in a world of his own". He probably is induced by too many drugs in his youth. But his lyrics " Wondering will mother earth survive, hoping that in time mankind will stop abusing her sometime" is right. He has a valid point! We do seems to go about thinking that the earth will always be tere that we are just being scared into action and that it does not exist. So when we are all blown to smithereens and look and taste like very strange black crispy nuggets and are floating in the vastness of space we won't have a leg to stand on and the Great British Public will not be able to complain as they have in the past.
Everyday we do things that we are advised not to do, like using plastic bags, making countless car journeys seeming to be in a zombie like state of ignorance that "it'll never happen to me, I do my bit" because we may walk our kids to school once a year!!
And, yes i hear you cry that the politicians are not doing their bit either, but then come on guys when have they ever, they sit in their classrooms being taught their lessons before playtime and when they come back the morning lesson is forgotten about. Drifted into their subconcious to lie dorment. Do we really need them to tell us that we are all effectivly commiting sanctioned and very clinical murder to others and sucide to ourselves. Are there so many of us with that kind of mind set. We all know, surely that politicians do their lesson but neer complete their homework.
And when they do do some homework it never very well produced is it. Policies and Strategies are always played out with a sense of democracy, free will and personal choice is the dish of the day. So most of us carry on ignoring the advise and when we don't we have to pay for the privilage. Saving the world has become a money game of who can become the richest. Then of course we have the benifits. The benifits that are supposed to help "Mother Earth", do they help Mother Earth?, not that I can see, do they help us, who seem to do all the bloody work? not that I can see. Do they benifit the politicians? Yes, of course they do. Mummy doesn't give them enough money each morning before school so what better way then to take it off the poor kids. When teacher says give it back, do they? NO! they find a way of taking more.
Maybe its time for a political coo....