Ever hate the feeling, someone is getting on with their life and not giving you a second thought. Not even a thought... that you are being ignored, despite the words passed between you. That their own insecurities are stopping them from doing the right thing. Ever felt that you worry about the way your perceived, worry whether every thing you do is the right thing, or a you making the situation worse?. Can the battle be won or has the battle field only got one set of knights on it. Does the queen stand alone, or is she in her right to be there, waiting to be won back. Does the King wait behind the lines waiting to have his queen tell him to stop making the biggest mistake of his life, or has he already walked away, to his detriment and future happiness.

Ever hate the knowledge that people are pretending to be nice and concerned for you and your welfare and yet behind your back they are bitching to the one person that could really destroy you. Doing a really good job at that in any case. Ever wish if that was the case, instead of the pretence they'd tell you what you think. After all its not like you haven't coped, well not coped but muddled by on your own and alone before. Get the feeling that they think the things you day stupid and superficial, just something to be over dramatic and create attention. Thought to yourself, that they may have been through it, but don't understand the feelings the event the things that were passed between. No comprehension of tiring of strength. of it seeping away and being spread thin like to much bread and too little butter. Give, people a break I hear you say, maybe I should?Don't trust that easily though! Does anyone ever really understand some one's past and what and how they are affected, or by. After all, the most trivial could cause the most damage.

I know, its not a bed of roses and full of laughter, this blog, is it?. Is it supposed to be? Not always! Its for me to say the things I want to and don't have the courage to. I'm so used to being alone, lonely and yet resignation is not the song that I want to sing anymore. "Think of my head on your chest". So why do I feel so lonely? "your mommas waiting up and your thinking he's the one, your dancing round your room at the end of the night" That's exactly what I always thought would happen to me, and it did, so why not fight when the sums don't add up and you know that the sum you both make together do add up. When you are Pooh Bear and honey. You can't explain it, but, its just right! Why I do always have a facade that I put up? There are those that think me weird, depressive, obsessive, intense, too serious, or believe it or not, never serious.

God, I need to breathe again. I'm drowning. The tide is too strong and I'm not making ground. How long do I have to wait? It's ironic, I know, I can hear you laugh at how ironic it will seem! My life is full of repetition, can't change that, its me! But need to stop this repetition of this "history book repeating itself". I've always forgiven hurt, from wherever its come from and in what form and I can forgive this, I have, just waiting for them to realise this and amend their bloody mistake. I want fun, to try things I've never done before and always dreamed of. I'm tired of conditioning and prison walls of ever giving materialism and dutiful support. Tired of the never giving emotional support, always being pushed away and ridiculed. Disagree with me if you want, but the things that happen behind the closed doors are what fill in the picture.

I want fun scenario and will do what it takes to get it back. What hurts is not having that fun, especially with the person who realised the real person and the not the android, who, let's face it would have been better placed in a Sci-Fi programme that I watch ... warped but true... I've always been a dreamer. It feels so good to know someone cared for me as I am, didn't judge me for they way I feel. Want it back!!! This blog is not going the way I meant it to. My mind is boggled!

Nobody rescued me today!!! I needed to be rescued....needed a night of being held - just held. Needed the touch of a caress and the brush of lips, needed the gentle strength of protectiveness and wanting. Well if what never happened happened I wouldn't complain. (Are you listening to me, you know who you are, I don't wanna be a bloody virgin anymore. Don't mean to say I'll give it to anyone or for nothing though!!!!)

A day of sat in a hot roof tidying, sorting for yet another year, the things that aren't mine. How the mind drifts.... the trickle of sweat down the centre of your back and the dusty dryness in the your throat when you need a drink. It transports you to another place. Tell me, why does the I pod, when its on random, always pick out the songs that get to you the most? I hate not knowing what to think! Am I too demanding, is it true? I was fearless, I want you back... don't care if people think me a fool! Does he think he's made a mistake, those that are nosey seem to think so. Is he frightened. Tell me then. "Time is going by...hold me til the hurt is gone...don't wanna regret not saying this to you""never dreamed you'd be mine"

God I can't concentrate, my feet are killing me...never walk 40 miles for no apparent reason in two days. Not a good idea... I always knew I was strange didn't think I be driven to do that though. Fucking Stupid - isn't the words that justify, but their close! Now every part of me aches with pain and longing - wonderful! Then there's the sleep deprivation, 8 bloody days, mad! I feel like a Bodhisattva. Maybe I should cut my eye lids off so I can't blink and stare at a wall. Supposed to do that to stay awake, maybe it'll have the reverse effect! Then no food! I know, I know , this is wrong I've heard the spiel so many times I know it off the top of my head without thinking about it.But 4 stone and losing weight rapidly can be SO thrilling. Just like being in love you gt jumpy and your minds all over the place. Should eat something suppose, really - 8 days today and well, I felt a little faint today. The first time someone offered to force feed me I recoiled, the second well I welcomed it... Good thing with riding, the muscles - more developed you see, so less like, well no! I was classified as worse then a Nazi POW- but then I was 2 stone 6- just 1 and a half to go. Only Joking. I know how to play the game now. One day maybe a picture at my lowest, or not.